Jim Gaffigan’s Hilarious Food Rules for Everyone Not to Live by


Jim Gaffigan recently recently his second book entitled Food: A Love Story. Gaffigan, if you are unfamiliar with his brand of humor, is a hilarious, honest, satirical comedian. He previously wrote the book Dad is Fat, in which he reels on fatherhood with five young children. And in similar fashion in his newest release, Gaffigan has his readers rolling with his honest take on food. He says the things we all may be thinking, but we all may not be saying. Gaffigan explores everything from American food consumption to the questionable purpose of kale.

Though the entire book is quotable, we probably can’t republish it here. So we’re sharing a few of Gaffigan’s best food rules to abide by. (Or, to not abide by, but to at least laugh at.)

Jim Gaffigan’s Hilarious Food Rules for Everyone

1. Never take advice from skinny people.

“When a thin person announces, “Here’s a great taco place,” I kind of shut down a little. How do they know it’s so great? From smelling the tacos?”

Now maybe this isn’t fair. Of course there are plenty of skinny people who know great food when they taste it, and of course there are plenty of skinny people that like particular foods that other not-so-skinny people might also enjoy. The point is, Gaffigan’s point is hilarious.

2. Steak is a big deal.

“…because consuming a steak is one of the great pleasures we get to experience during our short time on this planet.”

Gaffigan describes his confusion toward his father’s love for steak as a child, though he touchingly concludes just why it was so important to him throughout his life. Steak can be particularly fancy, and I think we all know that.

3. Gravy is not a beverage.

Our eyes met, and he gave me a warm Midwestern smile as if to say, “Hey, how’s it going?” I nodded and said hello and was only a bit more than slightly tempted to exclaim, “You realize you’re drinking gravy, right?”

Gaffigan pokes a lot of fun at Midwesterners, a title he himself holds, and though I must add that not all Midwest-residents probably drink gravy, this story is too good to pass up. It’s one of the best LOL anecdotes in the entire book!

4. Veggies are sidekicks.

“At their best, vegetables are the sidekicks. The opening band you didn’t come to see at the concert. The asparagus next to the steak.”

For the record, I don’t believe in this lesson because I am one of those weirdos Gaffigan describes who prefers her vegetables not deep-fried or soaked in anything. If he’s not going to eat them, that leaves more for me!

5. Coffee is a vegetable.

“I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore it’s a vegetable.”

I’m in.

6. The gym is important.

“Going to the gym for an hour is the American way of fasting.”

I am also in.

7. Raw vegetables are meh.

“The only thing that raw vegetables have ever been good for is the careers of hummus and ranch dressing.”

See above vegetable lesson…though I love hummus a whole lot.

8. Cheeseburgers are true love.

“There should be more poetry written about cheeseburgers.”

I love poetry, and I have been known to love cheeseburgers. I could probably pen a good poem about a burger.jim-gaffigan-food-map

9. Geography can be measured in food.

In one of my favorite parts of the book, Gaffigan breaks down the country’s regions by food. The chapter is particularly hilarious because he describes the pressure he feels in New Orleans (and Louisiana as a whole) because the city is so particular in their food tastes. Gaffigan describes the regions of the nation as follows:

  • The Northeast is “Seabugland,” because of their love of seafood. He calls all seafood “seabugs” and can’t process why anyone would want to eat these insects of the sea.
  • The Midwest is “Superbowl Sunday Foodland,” because football, of course. And hot, melty cheese.
  • New Orleans, and Louisiana, are “Food Anxietyland,” as aforementioned.
  • The Pacific Northwest is obviously called “Coffeeland.”
  • The South is deliciously named “Eating BBQLand,” and he provides an in-depth review of the varied styles that make BBQ what it is, from KC to NC.

10. And Hot Pockets, duh.

“It’s almost embarrassing when I contemplate the impact Hot Pockets have had on my life.”

Any Gaffigan fan knows that he has a love affair with Hot Pockets, they’re the food that put him on the map. He has a very well known bit about the freezer food. Hey, it isn’t healthy, but we all have a weak spot for something, right?

You should definitely read Food: A Love Story. You should also take Gaffigan’s dietary guidance with a reduced-sodium grain of salt!

Also Read:

Amy Poehler Dishes Up Valuable Advice on Body Image

17 Most LOL Food and Fitness Puns

The Most Terrifying Holiday Stock Fitness Photos

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